1. |
kashmir, pt.ii
01:28
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wake up with the feeling like a cold window’s spitting air at your feet, discomforting and uneasy. encased by the sounds of winter. projected by your desire to rip apart.
the solidarity entwined within your stomach as i try not to resent myself but I cannot always think before I speak.
there’s some electricity pulsating through your fingertips. some things will not change. some things will never.
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2. |
storm season
02:32
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another dismal and dreary day, where the planes scrape the bottoms of clouds until it rains and i lay with the sheets pulled over my face, hiding from lies i never meant to create. because i've always been afraid of accepting the truth, casting rocks at anyone who presents me with proof that if i can never learn to live with myself, how can i ever learn to live with anybody else?
someone, please, pull me out of this dream, i can't only be happy when i'm fast asleep. but when it feels like a new storm rolls in every night, i head for the highest tree and wait for lightning to strike.
well, not this time. i'm no longer giving in to the "darkness of my mind." all it's ever been is a crutch that's kept me at arm's length with the ones that i love. i have to pull the shades up (feel the warmth of the sun) instead of limping along from grudge to grudge.
i never believed i could escape this disease, heave this weight off my chest, and finally learn how to breathe. so i tell myself, please, pull me out of this dream, i won't only be happy when i'm fast asleep. i've set the oxen free and found that all i need is to be able to wake up, relieved I'm still me.
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3. |
blood orange
02:38
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i traced the pattern you left on my couch with my fingertip & i picked up the fragments of my heart you left on my doorstep & i still know you never wanted this & i still know you're always the one i'll miss.
i swear, i saw you. i swear, i saw you in love.
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4. |
dreary
02:20
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come talk me out of this grave. i'm running low on reasons to make it through each day. i've long outlived my stay and become that annoying neighbor who just won't move away.
so knock me out, set fire to my house, and please, leave me be while i'm burning to the ground. sew shut my mouth so i die without a sound, and no one notices how long i've been crying for help. cut out my tongue, make me a mute. cut off my ears so i can't hear the truth. i've been lying to myself, trying to prove that there's something in my life still left to lose. so fix me a noose, and i'll leave some clues between these fingers, prints, and blues. i'll bring nothing but bad news.
if i died in my sleep, i don't think that anyone would come chase after me. so, like a stray dog who's lost his leash, i'll fill my veins with poison and keel over in the street. and then, as i hitchhike to the afterlife with pennies on my eyes, i'll have no alibi for the pointless end to my meaningless life. now come rain or come shine, i'll be waiting in the graveyard, every single night, for someone to come and sleep by my side, because being dead is lonelier than being alive.
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5. |
white nite
04:13
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every time you speak of death, it's like you're talking of a long lost friend who, one day, you'll meet again with a hole in your smile and a welcoming hand. and, when he asks how you've been, you'll say, "for better or worse, i may never understand why my heart remains tethered to places and times that fashion knots in my chest i can't seem to untie."
from sea to speckled sea, you dragged your memories. hazy daydreams of a town you never wanted to leave. but you flew west with the crows to a once forgotten coast where you're still burdened by old ghosts who haunt your homesick bones.
your younger eyes watched blood red canines create coffins for each other in the sky. you chased the wind down war torn roads while your friends sleepwalked as foes and sprouted wings of gold to protect your soul from the wishing well's weathered stones.
from sea to speckled sea, you dragged your memories. from the rolling hills to the dirty streets of east one fifty three. and, thinking of the nights you used to sleep, sprawled out on the beach, to the days you took the window seat all fill my mind with grief.
because from your garage roof i can see the sun behind the trees as it sets on you and rises for me. but i can't bear to look away as chills creep down my back and i watch your sails, in the distance, turn from white to black.
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6. |
saria
04:09
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shook from sleep again, as i attempt to block the sun with both my hands when it's already beat my face bright red. i've gone and lost my only friend, and before i make it home i'm bound back to a road i wish i never met.
i know the sages have sealed my destiny, but i still long to see the day that i can make my own ends meet. i never asked to be a hero or save us from catastrophe. i just want to scream your song with you through these forgotten trees.
shook from sleep again, as i attempt to block the sun with both my hands when it's already beat my face bright red. i've gone and lost my only friend, and before i make it home i'm bound back to a road i wish i never met. at nite come out the dead and, no matter what i’ve said, i’m bound back to a road i wish i never met.
i've crossed the quartet of seasons, i've crossed the sands of time, i've crossed the great green ocean, and seen through eyes that cannot lie. but no matter what I do, or how fucking hard i try, i'll never get back the childhood i live through every night. so, as the clock strikes twelve again and the cheshire moon grows near, do i go back to square one or do i let the world end here? how can i be a savior when i can't save myself? i wonder, which mask will i hide behind when you come to find me in hell?
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7. |
weather king
04:03
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weathered streets at nite. forecast that ties blood and your name. through tough luck rendered told-you-so’s against the cold words of another’s last mistake.
you speak of a promised land but I don’t know much of a difference. with hands shaking in the dead of night and eyes wide in a meta-trance, isn’t living the closest thing to dying? then what is it to feel alive?
weathermen at nite turning mountains meant to be climbed into parking lots and land mines.
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8. |
old amber
01:48
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i have a panoramic view of what became of me and you. polaroids refusing to fade. a ghost town abandoned too late.
so as i hang between the skeletons all done up in black with nails painted crimson by the knives sheathed deep in my back, i’ve been crucified for your sins as the audience continues to clap. a standing ovation for your beautiful, brilliant traps.
amidst your consternation, you created constellations you couldn’t help but believe in. so into my heart you dipped to coat your quill’s tip with ink dark enough to blot out my existence. still, i tried to share the blame by always getting in the way until my chest turned to a cave with nothing left to say but it was all your fault. it was all your fucking fault.
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9. |
track 9
05:34
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i've always been the little kid building castles in the sand just to watch them wash away and as i've grown up, i haven't changed. holding on to all of my mistakes, as misery remained a temporary fix for every mess i ever made when i was too afraid to face myself with anything but hate.
disembody my entire body. i want to withstand the time it takes to foil a plan. when will the fog lift me away?
i spent so many years with my head up in the clouds and my feet fumbling in search of solid ground, a spade to dig me out, a single reason i should love myself. but all that i could see were tarantulas in my dreams spinning webs into silken shrouds and casting all of my doubts into shadows when all i wanted was a hand to pull me out.
so instead, i followed that faded yellow line- a knotted ribbon that led me to indigo skies. for i decided i had grown tired of living my whole life expecting someone else to pull my heart off this dusty shelf.
and on the day i was acquitted of all of my sins, i could have died happy, but I chose to live. because while i’m well aware the world’s a miserable place, i’ll piece together a reason for me to keep on reaching towards a sun i’ve never seen but hope one day will shine its light on me.
"you were sick, but now you're better, and there's work to do."
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